Setting Rules For Swinging - Part 3
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My last article on setting rules provided a simple checklist to go through prior to actually meeting another couple.
Part one of this series gave instruction on setting ground rules, and how to keep those rules applicable.
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This section involves a "debriefing" session after an encounter. This encounter may be with a single, a couple or a group.
In any event it is a critical step in the rule setting and management process.
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Without a debriefing, we may not fully understand our partner's comfort level, enjoyment, wants and needs. Further, we cannot ensure that our rules are effective, yet not too limiting for full enjoyment of the lifestyle.
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As always, in this phase it is important to remember that our partner's comfort, confidence and self-esteem remain uppermost in our minds.
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The Basics
In this article I assume that you are a couple, and that you have had an encounter with another couple. The steps outlined are equally applicable to meeting with a single male, single female or group.
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The Debriefing
The first question - naturally enough is: Did we enjoy ourselves?
After a play session with another couple, or person, my wife and I are always interested in whether the other enjoyed themselves. Did you cum? Is a simple question, and maybe a critical one depending on what you are interested in, but there is actually more to this portion of the discussion.
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Some questions you may want to ask to start the conversation include:
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1. Were you uncomfortable at all?
2. Were there any times when our code words seemed like they would not work? For example, one of our code phrases is "I need a cigarette" this is a signal that we are uncomfortable or that we want to have a discussion, and one of our rules is that when one of us uses that phrase - no matter what the other one is doing, we stop and go have a cigarette break and discuss.
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You can probably see how this may not work in all situations - we may be sitting at a table having a discussion and happily smoking a cigarette - naturally it would seem VERY odd to use that phrase in that situation. This discovery after an encounter led us to develop some specific phrases, word, and non-verbal signals that we use.
3. What was your favorite part of the evening?
4. Were there any behaviors that we need to break down. Example: One of our initial rules was "no kissing". Well did this apply to pecks on the cheek for greeting someone? Did it really mean no passionate kissing on the dancefloor? Did it really mean to kissing on the neck? What exactly DID that rule mean and did it apply equally to all people? Those are the sorts of discussions that should come out of this "debriefing" session.
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5. Was our setting appropriate? In other words - did we like where we played, whether in a hotel, at a club, at a house party, whatever - was it conducive to our enjoyment and safety.
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6. Would we like to interact with them as "vanilla" friends? In other words, are they the type of people that we would like to interact with aside from sexual behaviors. Would we like to go to a movie, a strip club, a bar-b-que with them? Or is it strictly a sexual relationship?
7. Did any of our rules need revising? This question actually has a couple of parts:
a. Did our rules work?b. How do we need to revise them?c. Were there any that seemed odd or useless in actual application?
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8. The most fundamental question is: Do we want to play with them again?
As you can see this conversation tends to be wide-ranging and all-inclusive. The suggestions in this article are intended to give you some ideas about specific questions that definitely need to be included in your very first debriefing session.
As you gain experience, you will certainly develop your own, and I would love to hear your suggestions as comments on this article.
The Next Article
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The next article in my series will focus on Personal Ads - Dos and Don'ts.
Good luck and Happy Swinging!
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